Why Americans Don't Like Soccer and Don't Care About the World Cup

So the World Cup is just blazing across the country in a Bill Paxton sized tornado of popularity. Oh, it's not? By the way ESPN is airing coverage, you'd think Lebron left the Cavaliers to play for South Africa. What appears to be happening is that the sports media is force feeding soccer to the United States. Remember when ESPN used to cover hockey? Yeah me either.

The truth is the majority of sports fans don't care about soccer, but they are fooled into liking it because they think the inclusion of 3rd world countries makes this the Olympics, it's not. Soccer is like watching a prairie dog at the zoo. Oh, that's nice but it's not really what I came to see. Seriously, is there anything more daunting than the clock ticking UP past 30:00, 38:12, 41:27...it's like sitting in a crowded subway 45 stops away with everyone blowing a kazoo in your ear. And none of them rock it like this.

Wikipedia says soccer is the most popular recreational sport in the country for boys and girls. Clearly, that entry was written by a soccer fan. Shame on you Wikipedia. My memories of recreational soccer include waking up at 6:30am for an 8am game on a Saturday morning. If that many kids played soccer, NO ONE WOULD HAVE WATCHED SATURDAY MORNING CARTOONS! And let's face it, you can't say Saturday Morning Cartoons without Saturday Morning. "Hey, dude. Let's watch The Bugs and Tweety Show!" "Sorry, I've gotta kick a black and white ball around in wet grass and get clipped by other 9 year olds in Euroid rage."

Which brings me to my next point, youth soccer is terrible. Worse than WNBA, bad. Half the kids don't know which goal is theirs, the other half don't understand it's a game that requires constant running. And then there's the one kid that is really good at soccer and his parents are so geeked up about it but no one cares because it's soccer. Let's not even mention that the field kids play on isn't even half the size of a regulation soccer field. That's like playing football on a 30 yard field.

The number one defense for soccer fans is that it is the most popular sport in all of the world. What other sports does Algeria have? America has football, basketball, baseball, hockey and even auto racing. Soccer is behind that in the United States. Let us not forget the other exciting once a year sports such as tennis and cycling. At least you don't have to have to watch those on mute.

It's not that there is anything wrong with soccer but it's just not America's sport. It's also not our second choice, or third, or fourth. It's dead last. Poker is more popular than soccer and the only players that sweat playing poker are the ones that just lost their house on a busted flush.

Just as a point of reference, my cousin who claimed to love soccer (immediately amended to US Soccer) sat down to watch whatever match is currently on. He didn't last three minutes before he said "I'm going to watch Pawn Stars on DVR." Even when trying to prove a point, soccer is unwatchable. It's alright cuz, you can still come back to it in 70 minutes and the score will still be 0-0.

Day 2: Redemption

Whooooo! I am beat. Today was my journey to the south. From Blacksburg, VA to Nashville (at least) hopefully to Memphis. That's what I believe I said yesterday. Thank god I did the continental breakfast at the Comfort Inn this morning. It helped me get through a grueling day. It wasn't necessarily hot, but didn't taste unlike McDonalds.

As for music, I decided since I was headed to Music City USA, the "Country" mix on the iPod was very appropriate. CW McCall, Red Sovine, and Johnny Cash took me West on 40 for hours...past Knoxville. For those that don't know, CW McCall is the performer on the song "Convoy." I say performer because that's not his name and it's not a real person...the whole thing is a character he portrayed, started for advertising purposes, like Santa Clause. I hope I didn't ruin it for any C Dub fans out there. CW McCall helps keep you cheery while dealing with stuff like this.

Finding out what to do in Nashville wasn't that hard. As soon as I got in to town, I headed for the gift shop. The whole point of going to Nashville was to replace one of my favorite hats. I entered hopeful and found a bunch of BS hats and redneck hats but then in the back of the store I found it. And although it's black now (my previous was blue), I immediately bought it...another sign.

For those that don't know (since neither Lil' Wayne, Jay-Z, nor Bono made songs about it) Nashville was hit with a pretty bad flood a couple of months ago. The town doesn't show it, though. Everything is open. The streets are under slight construction as city workers are clearly redoing the plumbing.

I tried to go into one bar on the main drag, Broadway, because I saw the Phillies game on but the bartender ignored me long enough that I got sick of waiting. I ended up having lunch at Bailey's which I thought would be more "authentic" but seemed to just be the Nashville Fox & Hound. But they had some house specials and I enjoyed that with a couple beers. Bartender Keith welcomed me in and started talking Phillies with me, but they haven't been playing baseball to brag about lately. Keith informed me I gained an hour as I switched into Central Time Zone (good to know).

After eating and drinking just enough that I didn't want to leave, Bartender Keith talked me into driving past Memphis to Little Rock. I decided that if I was going to do that, I needed to change the music to something that would keep me pumped up and awake. I switched up to my favorite vulgar rap songs and that did the trick.

Arkansas is possibly the worst state I've ever driven in. There is nothing there. At all. Just grass and a little road next to grass.

These are completely different pictures miles apart from each other. How would you ever know where you live?

I must've driven for 6 hours and went past Memphis and Little Rock to TEXARKANA...Seriously. And the lady here at the Best Western doesn't know why it's called that. I am now 8 hours from tomorrow's trip, Austin, TX.  There are things I know I left out (like the Davey Crockett Rest Stop) but if you're smart, you're following random picture posts on Facebook, too. I will leave you with the last picture I took for the day. Bonus points if you can name the player sitting on my dash at the bottom.

iPod Song of the Ride 6/1

While riding I-81 I thought about playing a lot of different playlists I've assembled on my iPod but, when you're sporting well over 12,000 songs the shuffle option is always a fun treat. That's what I did today. While I was blessed with late 90s jams "Bill, Bill, Bills" and "Kryptonite" right off the bat, I also took in the sights while enjoying "Key To The Highway."

iPod Song of the Ride
"Waterfalls" by TLC (1994)
Genre: Pop
From the album CrazySexyCool
Time of Play: 4:13pm

Video after the jump...

So I ended up in Blacksburg, VA

Well, I departed on my road trip across America about 12:30 this afternoon. There are so many things that run through a person's head before they leave somewhere for a long time like, "Where's my cell phone charger?" Immediately after loading up the car it began raining which made me think that I should bring my boots just in case it rains like that again. Before I left, I decided it'd be best to bring a companion with me. Now, for the last couple of months I've been riding with Paul Bearer, Freddie Blassie, and Mitch Williams on my dash but this morning Kevin Nash himself hopped in the Cavalier, and in case you were wondering, yes, Wolfpac is most definitely in the house.

The Journey Begins...Today

I have not left yet. It occurred to me days ago that it'd be best to get another oil change before hitting the road. That's not easy to do on a Memorial Day Weekend. So, I woke up at 8am and headed over to Car Sense and get an impromptu oil change. The fact that they could even see me on no notice is amazing, in fact, it may be a sign.

I've decided that the best way to go is to ignore all the "famous" routes and just go the way that's going to take me to my destination quickest. I can't imagine that one empty field on Route 50 looks different than the empty fields on I-81.

It looks like the first part of my drive will take me to Tennessee. My goal would be to get to Music City USA as I used to have a hat that sported such a nickname and it was a great hat. But it's dirty and in such poor shape, I've decided not to pack it with me. I'd like to get another. Is that Googlable? In my head, blue trucker hats that say "Music City USA" are sold at any gas station in Nashville. I'll have you know the last time I was in Nashville, I felt too embarrassed to look touristy and wear my hat...but I carried it with me in my bag...I also brought it to Knoxville because, well it was the same state. I did wear the hat in Knoxville. Go figure.

Speaking of Knoxville, if I can't get to Nashville (which I probably won't) I'm okay with stopping in Knoxville. There's a hot barbecue spot in Knoxville right on the river, the Tennessee River I assume.

Will I make it to Nashville? Probably not until tomorrow. Will I make it Knoxville? I like to think so. Only time will tell and this is the only place you can find out...Come back soon and if you have any tips on where to stop along the way, feel free to drop a comment.