Why Americans Don't Like Soccer and Don't Care About the World Cup

So the World Cup is just blazing across the country in a Bill Paxton sized tornado of popularity. Oh, it's not? By the way ESPN is airing coverage, you'd think Lebron left the Cavaliers to play for South Africa. What appears to be happening is that the sports media is force feeding soccer to the United States. Remember when ESPN used to cover hockey? Yeah me either.

The truth is the majority of sports fans don't care about soccer, but they are fooled into liking it because they think the inclusion of 3rd world countries makes this the Olympics, it's not. Soccer is like watching a prairie dog at the zoo. Oh, that's nice but it's not really what I came to see. Seriously, is there anything more daunting than the clock ticking UP past 30:00, 38:12, 41:27...it's like sitting in a crowded subway 45 stops away with everyone blowing a kazoo in your ear. And none of them rock it like this.

Wikipedia says soccer is the most popular recreational sport in the country for boys and girls. Clearly, that entry was written by a soccer fan. Shame on you Wikipedia. My memories of recreational soccer include waking up at 6:30am for an 8am game on a Saturday morning. If that many kids played soccer, NO ONE WOULD HAVE WATCHED SATURDAY MORNING CARTOONS! And let's face it, you can't say Saturday Morning Cartoons without Saturday Morning. "Hey, dude. Let's watch The Bugs and Tweety Show!" "Sorry, I've gotta kick a black and white ball around in wet grass and get clipped by other 9 year olds in Euroid rage."

Which brings me to my next point, youth soccer is terrible. Worse than WNBA, bad. Half the kids don't know which goal is theirs, the other half don't understand it's a game that requires constant running. And then there's the one kid that is really good at soccer and his parents are so geeked up about it but no one cares because it's soccer. Let's not even mention that the field kids play on isn't even half the size of a regulation soccer field. That's like playing football on a 30 yard field.

The number one defense for soccer fans is that it is the most popular sport in all of the world. What other sports does Algeria have? America has football, basketball, baseball, hockey and even auto racing. Soccer is behind that in the United States. Let us not forget the other exciting once a year sports such as tennis and cycling. At least you don't have to have to watch those on mute.

It's not that there is anything wrong with soccer but it's just not America's sport. It's also not our second choice, or third, or fourth. It's dead last. Poker is more popular than soccer and the only players that sweat playing poker are the ones that just lost their house on a busted flush.

Just as a point of reference, my cousin who claimed to love soccer (immediately amended to US Soccer) sat down to watch whatever match is currently on. He didn't last three minutes before he said "I'm going to watch Pawn Stars on DVR." Even when trying to prove a point, soccer is unwatchable. It's alright cuz, you can still come back to it in 70 minutes and the score will still be 0-0.